This past week has been a lot. It's been a tipping point for most people in this current climate. Between the pandemic reshaping how we live our day to day, to the civil unrest that is happening across the country, in the wake of social Injustices reaching a much needed boiling point, many have been left feeling overwhelmed. For me this was no exception. I also had a few major personal shake ups happen that contributed to to my stress fountain to overfloweth.
I began to feel unwell and thought it was just the aftershocks of the earthquake that seemed to rupture my life. I felt fatigued, lethargic, and had the chills. I than began to feel warm and had a fever for a day while having some headaches and some other COVID type symptoms. I genuinely didn't understand how I could've caught it and figured since my partner wasn't experiencing anything similar , I was OK. We figured it would be best to get tested anyways to put my mind at ease.
A few days passed and I felt fine. I felt like myself. It felt like the the train was back on the tracks and I was good to continue to chug along on the quarantine railroad. My partner opened their results to find it being negative. Mine read positive. Screw "aftershocks", now complete and utter shock set in. Then came a feeling of fear and confusion. Why me? How could I only be positive? What more could I have done? I think I am feeling ok, but will I be OK? I had done everything possible to keep us protected. Even in some instances, to the extreme. I realized in that moment that the most difficult part of the next couple of weeks, would be keeping my mind in the right place. This time in quarantine has shown me multiple aspects of myself and one of those is the habit of spiraling. Spinning into the social media vortex, a self doubt tunnel, information overload, or the political abyss.
You are told to self isolate, but no one talks about how hard it is to be isolated. Not the physical aspect but the emotional. How hard it is to feel so alone with something you cant even see or sometimes feel. How that feeling, of being alone, is what can save someone else from that same feeling. The rollercoaster of emotions and mind games you go through is unreal. All I want is to be able to see my mum or hold my partner but I cant, for their sake. Fortunately, I live in a space where I could self isolate in one of the bedrooms and my partner could slide me a silver tray come feeding time. Having someone in the same space did help the first few days. But the feeling of being a leper in your own home was difficult for both of us. Neither one of us wanted to feel uncomfortable in our space, so they left until I can test negative. It's understandable but it doesn't make it any easier of a pill to swallow. Today I write this on the first day of being completely alone. Just me and my thoughts.
I guess that is why I wanted to write this. To document what I feel in this moment. To give some insight of what it's like. I am the first person I know of to go through this, which is part of why I think its so hard. I don't have any personal experiences from those close to me to tell me that everything will be ok. That this feeling of being alone, wont be forever. In this moment, it does. Knowledge is power though and I am in many ways fortunate to know of my status. It helps me heal, it helps me save others. I hope to look back in a week or so with a negative test result and have an appreciation for the experience. That there will be some sort of growth from the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty. In the meantime ask the universe to continue to heal me, guide me and keep me company. I hope my next post has positive news of a different type. Until then.