Mourning Potential

      From a young age were told we have "all the potential in the world". Why do people say that? What is it about potential, that makes it seem so essential to instill in us in our fundamental years. We carry the idea of potential in ourselves, our relationships, in our environments, in the way that we work out our bodies and our minds. But most of the time it never meets the expectations, or once we do meet the expectation we had, we have the innate desire for more. 

      This time at home, while in quarantine, while masses are protesting has really put the idea of potential vs. expectation to the forefront of my mind. Potential and expectations I've come to realize, only as of recent, are two very different things. During a time period that contains so much uncertainty it has put a microscope on what I may potentially want, believe in, or whether any of it really even matters at all.  What happens when you become tired and exhausted from working towards something that has yet to happen? Is mourning for for what you had hoped for make you self indulgent?

      I think it depends on what it is. How important it is to you and whether or not there are any consequences if you decide to let go of it. There is also a major difference between giving up and just allowing something to change. Maybe what you had potentially hoped for was never supposed to be. Its a hard pill to swallow. We are not taught how to mourn the potential of something. We learn it as we go. With every experience we have, every relationship we go through and every job we work towards. What is so ironic about being told we have all the potential in the world is that it builds a certain expectation that we are supposed to reach it. It seems to me to be a bit counter productive because so often we are told not to have expectations. That expectations only lead us to feel let down. Don't expect to get that job promotion. Don't expect them to propose. Don't expect to buy a house. While at the same time, believing there is the potential for it to happen. 

      This past week I've been in this very muted state of mourning. Feeling at a loss for the things I thought I knew, or had. I'm left wondering at this time if it's actually a good thing for these to finally become realizations. I think the process of mourning for these things that never really happened is actually a necessary step for my own growth and evolution. Part of what most people want is to continually evolve. This ideology of potential vs. expectation is just something new. New is always scary but scary is good. I guess time will tell where this revelation will lead me, but i look forward to potentially finding out! (see what I did there) 

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